Miss S

Continuing on my previous post. What I did in that post was weave my case. Assume many things, be extremely cynical and attribute all evil to X and its friends. Its because I was MAD that day. I wanted to assume things which are anti-me and this further augment my anger towards X. Why? Well so that I can hate X to the utmost degree for what it has done to me. I assumed extreme prowess on the part of X and a victimized mentality on my part. This is what victimized mentality does to your thinking. You tend to assume things which are not at all true. What’s the big deal if I am from a town? I have had quality education, perhaps the best one can afford in India. My education has equipped me with mannerism which I can easily modify according to the society that I live. I might take time to come to terms with certain functioning but then I am in a position to harness it better. Many of my so called city friends are still inept at computer skills, Internet transactions and communication skills required at professional level. In fact I have learnt these things faster than most of my comrades. I was an absolute idiot when it came to computers; I still remember the ordeal I went through during my first year CAD (Computer aided design) classes, I didn’t even know how to copy paste! But now things have changed so much so that I now have my own domain name and also hosted my blog. When I came to IIT I was ignorant of many things in life just because I enjoyed a grand royalty back home. My father might be a central government employee but he enjoys a great social status in the town. We have many things at our disposal, from servants to cars. I was never required to go to a bank or go fetch ration for home or drive my mom to work, just because we have resources at our disposal. Compare this to X………not even remotely close

But I had tough time managing these things when I came to Chennai. But then I had imbibed qualities that easily let me cope up. I was always taught to be open minded and rational in my approach. My family, though from a town, is liberal and free of orthodoxies which X’s family is lying under. We don’t marry off our girls at 19 and fix marriages at the time of birth. I can just go on and on. Is there a point?

See the whole thing is I was just assuming things and thus inciting my passions against X. I sometimes wonder if terrorist and killers also think the same way. I mean those serial killers or this mentality can also be attributed to Hitler. Hitler help the Jews responsible for the sufferings for Germany and was also weaving his agenda on my lines. More on this in the third and last post in this series.

I am no Hitler and neither I have plans to avenge my humiliation. It’s ok if X ditched me. X can be ditched in near future and then it will be evens. Right? I am just hoping for that. I just want X to feel the pain I had gone through and sometimes be sad in live…ah I am again assuming things

I sometimes feel MAD. And this madness is usually directed against someone. I am not going to talk about why I hate that person and what should be done to get over it. I was just wondering the thought process that goes inside me. I first think about all those points which are favourable to X and why X can never be sad. I then correlate those points to the situation that I am going through. X betrayed me when I needed it the most. I was alone pondering over my future whereas X was making merry with its friends. X would have made fun of my naiveness and how idiot I was to trust it. X can never fall for anyone because it has that resistance in itself. X is more concerned about itself and turns his back to people’s sufferings but still people love X. They adore it and offer every help possible to console X in times of distress. People who support X are the elitist; they are snobbish, they are erudite and someone who would never prefer to be my friend. They can do things which I cannot, they can talk about things which I cannot, they have access to happiness which I don’t and above all because of their snobbishness they will loath my attempts to get into their company. They are X’s friends so all of them are also entitled to never be sad in life. Their life is perfect; each and every one of their happiness will be satisfied. They have resources at their disposal but I have to create both the resources as well as ways to achieve them.

On the other hand I have been subjected to abject deficiency in terms of fulfillment of desires and knowledge about things which matter in life. I cannot talk about the latest movies released but X expected me to come out with a review. I cannot talk about how smart some celebrity C is but X expected me appreciate it’s adulation of C. X expected my family to be affluent but my father happens to be just a central government employee so our mentalities cannot match and thus I cannot be a part of that elitist network of friend X has. X and it’s circle of friends were born and brought up in a city so are aware of complexities of a city life whereas I have always lived my life away from the complex and august city life. I am ignorant of how to conduct myself in the society, how to communicate, how to be gregarious and above all how to be a human, the city way! Before coming to Chennai I had never seen a traffic light! I used to gawk at every multi-storey building I happen to come across. I was in awe when I saw the capsule lift in the Spencers. I was totally mesmerized by the glittering shopping complexes here. I had tough time coming to terms with the city transport, the fast life and above all my city but-still-down-to-earth-friends unlike X’s friends who are arrogant.

Like any naiveté I invested lot of my emotions in my friendship with X. I took it to be my best friend, shared my emotions hoping it to empathize with my woes and treated it above all. But for X I was just another country guy trying to meddle in its private affairs. I was a subject of their jokes for the way I talk, walk, conduct myself and my ignorant mind which was in a state of awe at the grandeur of mannerism I was a witness to. Finally X ditched me and with that crashed all my emotions, all my hopes and all my expectations. I was perplexed, hurt and emotionally drained at this sudden betrayal of trust. For X it was just another thing but for me, my world was lost. A world that I had dreamt of….away from home…away from shackles of orthodoxies…away from the nearly nomadic town life….a world I had seen on TVs and movies…a world were people were happy, satisfied and exposed to opportunities in life…a world were I can put my abilities to test against the very best.

Those dreams were shattered!

Will continue this article in a series of 2 more posts and the final one will be “Inside a killer’s mind”