This was just waiting to happen. And it was just a matter of time before terror would have shown its ugly face in the national capital. The blasts in Connaught place, Greater Kailash- I, Karol Bagh and Barakhamba road have so far claimed 18 lives and I can only hope that it stays 18. These places have been the heart of Delhi. As a matter of fact my ideal weekend would start in Karol Bagh, afternoon at the M Block market in GK and then evening at CP. Most Delhite would be either of the 3 places on a weekend. And particularly when Ahmedabad, Jaipur and Bangalore have been hit, these three places where just waiting for their share.

Even though these places have been so critical from security point of view, the security arrangements at these places have been pathetic. The M block market had no security check points, few shops in CP had their own security guard, Karol bagh never cared about bombs and the Barakhamba road too had no preventive measures at place. The whole demographics of Delhi is such that implementing security at these places is next to impossible. The point is that most blasts took place on the roads, how do you secure your roads in a jam packed market? The high population density makes the task further difficult. As a matter of fact these low density blasts are nearly impossible to control in any place. How on earth do you keep track of all the dust bins and the cars commuting?

Update: Another live bomb has been recovered at the India Gate.
Photo from TOI

Before I forget, one incident i would always remember all my life. I was new to driving, it has been just a week into it. Me and my friend decided to go for a ride. Even though I was comfortable with all the gears, starting was a serious issue for me- I would always leave the clutch quickly and the car would stop. So we started with hiccups. We had to stop at the round-about because of the cross traffic. As soon as the traffic stopped, everyone was eager to get past the round-about before the traffic builds up again. I was ahead on everyone and my car wont start. Start….1st gear….leave clutch and stop!! We were stuck for long enough to infuriate the rest of the cars behind me. My friend got so impatient that he suggested-

“Abe uttar jaate hai. Car ko dhakka maar kar side kar lenge. Phir to guest house phone kar ke kisi aise ko bula lena, jisko driving aate ho” (Lets get down here and push the car to the side. We can then call someone to drive the car back)

And I did consider that option! Suddenly the car started moving and I was quick to press the accelerator peddle and race ahead. The cross traffic had to suddenly stop because of seeing my car racing so fast. I didn’t even look back but I am sure there must have been few minor accidents because of my maneuver.

Thankfully I have now learned to start.

Traffic in Gurgaon is exact the opposite. There are no traffic lights even on highways. Everyone is at the mercy of rowdy taxi, truck, tractor, bullock cart, bullocks, cows, auto and tempo wallahs. It’s a complete mayhem.No one follows lane discipline, changing lane on the expressway at will and without signals. The taxi walahs are the biggest culprit-they park and drive at will. And it’s mostly they who are responsible for accidents. But the issues in the city geography has forced the corporates to be slaves of the whims and fancies of these taxi walahs. I hope the metro comes soon and eases life out here. The government here has completely failed, the city is devoid of basic amenities like roads, water and electricity. It’s the private builders who are making money, completely oblivion to the problems being faced by dwellers in their day-to-day traveling.

Moving into an independent flat, arranging for food everyday and having to worry about gas,electricity and telephone bill has been painful for me. Even though I have finally settled, the transition has been extremely difficult. Thankfully I had the cash power or else I would returned to studies once again.

The GPS application of mapmyindia.com has been a great help to me. It has saved me long hours of wandering without directions. It is perhaps my most worthy investment into a software! I would suggest this to anyone who is new in a city and particularly a city as magnificent as Delhi.

I have never played tennis in my entire life so far and the very idea of playing on a clay court made be feel like what Nadal would have felt seeing clay for the first time in his life. I had this strange feeling that I can excel in tennis and its just a matter of chance/opportunity.

 My friend’s friend had the other racquet so we planned to play cricket while waiting for him as we had the (tennis) balls. His friend came soon and thus moment finally came, the moment which would have given this world a new Sania Mirza. The court was a mitti (also known as ‘clay’ in English) court. I used my racquet to hit the ball on ground a few time and then I finally tossed it up ( Few must have casted eager glances on the way I was warming up for the serve). As I wanted an ace on the very first serve of my life, I hit the ball with all the energy I could gather. The ball fell on the ground, missing the swing of the racquet completely.

“Its the damn spects! My eyes just lost sight of the ball”. I remove my glasses.

The second swing of the racquet did hit the ball. I then focus my attention on my opponents for the return but they, including few onlookers, were looking to my left. Actually the ball flew to my left and landed in the swimming pool. I then decided to only ‘square cut’ and ‘straight hit’ the ball, instead of cuts and hooks. My heart was broken. I was finding it difficult to keep the ball on ground. All my shots were flying past spectators like a bullet. I was loosing all hopes of becoming a pro. I was losing my confidence. Perhaps my age is the only factor on my side, I can still practice and become proficient with the game. I then heard a faint voice-

“Uncle. Ball please”. I kept concentrating on my play. The voice grew louder.

“The ball is on your right, uncle”. To my utter surprise, the voice was referring to me! When did I graduate to this ‘uncle’ thingie??!! With heavy heart, I returned the ball. Interestingly the voice was of a girl who was attracting everyone’s attention on the mitti court. I then decided to leave for home as there was no point in trying to make fool of oneself in every possible way.

I think i have grown old now.

BTW, I am SERIOUSLY missing the right click on my new MacBook. 

Humiliated by my sudden outburst, I took out my mobile to check emails. Well it was thousands of feet above ground level and only satellite phones work at that level. But I had to show off so I thought of saving the mails as draft. I must confess that I am still not comfortable with either the hand writing recognition or the Qwetry keyboard of SE P1i. I used to type much faster with the basic keyboard of my previous Motorola Razr. But I had to show that I am a professional who really needs to respond emails on the go. BTW I was checking Gmail regarding offers from Nigeria worth 5 million USD. There was another Jack who was claiming to cure my baldness. Jade lancozs had information regarding my impotency. Someone was really concerned about my home loans. Paul was assuring me that small is not the end of the game, there are medical cures. Agnes Ali had my order of V**** ready. And I replied to each one of those mails.

I was losing time in all these show offs. I had to think like a hero because I today was a hero.

Me: So you are going for a personal visit?

Father: Yes. We are going to our daughter’s sasural. So you work there?

Me: No I work in Gurgaon as a consultant. I am going on a business trip…have to meet my clients there. I am still single.

Phew! What made me say that?

Father: Hmm. Excuse me.

He left for the rest room.

Now me and ‘to be’ sasu ma.

Mother: Beti, come here(she calls the air hostess).

She then buys few chips packet and a bottle of water from the Qatar Airways trolley.

I was still confused on my next move. Shall I tell them everything frankly..ik hi ghatke me kahani khatam ? Father returns back to his seat. He then talks with his wife about the eatables she bought. My imagination then took me to my married life. I might be in the father’s position one day and some idiot wanna be hero would be trying to woo me. The mere thought of this made me realise that I should just shup-up and not ruin any chances of acceptance later. I decided to take the very next flight back home. Heroism was gone. And I was back to what I am. I am such a fickle!

The next hour passed without any exchange of words. I was wondering if my ineptness means I am going to lose her. But then what can I do? I suck when it comes to small talk and I was not putting a good impression either.

The flight landed in few minutes with many bumps and jerks, the same that is felt in a road in Bihar. We got down and boarded the bus to the terminal. Father was eager to convey this successful landing to his daughter in Delhi. But there was some problem with the mobile signal. My Airtel had full signal so I decided to offer my mobile. He finally accepted after my continuous insistence. He punched in the numbers and pressed the call button. The screen showed

“Calling

Miss Prospective”

busted! Ho gaye balle balle.

Father: (Bewildered). How is this possible? How do you know her? and Who are you?

I was looking for a place to run but couldn’t find any because we were on a bus going towards the terminal. I was desperately trying to think of all the female friends of Miss Prospective.

Me: Oh, is it? Actually this mobile belongs to my sister, she might be knowing your daughter.

Father: Do you think I am a fool? How long have you been calling her?

He started to raise his voice. Suddenly I felt as if I was about to be beaten for the first time in my life. I cannot even talk to the police because they won’t understand my language. Am I in for a big treat here? And suddenly the bus stopped. By then father had already thrown in lot of curses and the other were gossiping about the possible state of affairs between us. My eyes fell on mother-in-law (I better forget the in-law part now). I really don’t know how to describe those looks but they were deadly, that’s all. I snatched my mobile and ran towards the luggage area. I had no luggage and that was the only piece of luck I had that day. I didn’t even dare to look back and ran like a thief. I went somewhere in the taxi stand and hid myself. Finally after 20 minutes of hiding myself in that dingy place, I came out with a sense of respite. That 20 minutes of jail were the worst moment of my life so far. They were spent in ambivalence of emotions, should I feel guilty or feel like a loser? I couldn’t even throw my mobile in desperation because it was worth half my month’s salary!

I took the next flight back . I am never going to talk about it again. Let this be buried deep in my and your memories.

It was all decided. I had planned weeks in advance. Bollywood has taught me that to win hearts you need just an opportunity and that can either make or ruin your career. My life has been an boring affair so far on the fairer sex front. Frustrated at my parent’s repeated refusals, on being reminded that unka beta jawan ho gaya hai aur haath peele karne me hi sab ki bhalai hai, i decided to take things in my hands. So my target was to get ‘an’ opportunity to impress Miss Prospective’s patent. As expectedly, I am the hero of this story. Just for your information, i could have had a very successful modeling career but the only problem was that my last name is not khan.

Before i lay down my master plan let me first correct a very grave historical mistake. The spelling of Ahmed has become so common that people take it for granted. They don’t realise that the actual spelling is Ahmad. My credit card, debit card and many other documents have the spelling mistake, the excuse is the same, ‘human error’ ! My day started with my email account being deleted because they finally took action on the yet another human error in my company. Anyway I was in a hurry because I had a train, flight and yet another flight to catch.

The plan goes like this: Miss Prospective’s parents were going to Chennai to meet someone. Having spend 5 long years in Chennai, I consider myself an expert in the demographics of the city. I would like to tell you that I just learnt 2 words in Tamil during my stay, Tamil Teriyade (I don’t know Tamil)…anyways. I decided to book the same flight as they were planning to take. Miss Prospective provided me the details. Thankfully the airline was Air Deccan, cheap and worst. But there is one thing that made Air Deccan my dream airline was the fact that they don’t allot seat numbers while making the boarding pass…its like a ‘chair’ lutoo competition once passengers board the flight. I planned to start a small talk with them. Basically let them know me well and make them realise that he is THE guy for our daughter! I would have impressed them with my knowledge of Chennai and perhaps I will throw few words to the taxi drivers in Tamil. It was a simple plan but something that is possible only in movies. But why only heroes get the heroines? Why can’t I be a hero? These thoughts ran through me as I boarded the taxi to the Airport.

I reached well in advance so as to find my target couple. It was pretty easy because I got details of the dress they were wearing that day. And after that maine unka peecha aise kiya jaise parchaye eek insaan ka peecha karte hai. I was behind them while boarding the plane so it was easy for me to get the seat next to them. I am pathetic at starting a conversation but I had to because my life was at stake-

You know what?

What?

I want to marry your daughter!

Sharique! wake up..talk to them.

With all the courage I could gather, I wished them. What an achievement!!

Still no signs of interest so I had to do what a hero does in such events.

Me: So you are going to Chennai?

Father: I think its a non-stop flight.

Me: Phew! I am such an idiot. No. But I think this flight will go to Pondicherry after Chennai.

Mother: Are you from Chennai? Actually we need to go to Roypettah. Any idea about taxi service to that place?

Me: No..No. I am from Patna. I did my graduation from Chennai so I am well acquainted with the city. There are lot of taxis that will take you to Roypettah.

Play the IIT card, idiot! (Normally I would just say engineering from Chennai but I had to flaunt because I am now the hero and my heroine was just a matter of few sentences away)

I did my engineering from IIT Madras.

No response. Perhaps they don’t know about the IIT. Dear Sasur jee, why don’t you ask me questions? I have heard that you deal in pumps. I can throw in my expertise on the topic.

Father: Everyone is doing IT these days. Software seems to have become the choice of youth.

Wonderful!!

Next 15 minutes pass without a word. I am getting restless. Eager to strike any damn conversation but how do you speak from a trembling tongue? Air hostess arrives with the trolley from Qatar Airways, yes Qatar Airways!

Me: Excuse me mam. What damn flight is this?

Air hostess: Air Deccan to Chennai.

Me: Cool. Sorry I got confused with this Qatar Airways trolley.

Air hostess: Oh, we have borrowed this flight from Qatar Airways. It was a private flight of a prince before. We got seats pinned at every nook and corner.

This tragedy (personal catastrophe) will continue…..