Satire

Dear cricket fans,

We understand that the recent events have caused embarrassment to the nation and the fans in particular. We wish to apologize for that. Saying this we also would like to clarify few issues which we feel have been ignored by the media. We are not answerable to the media but just to clarify few allegations that are and have been levied against us, we are writing this mail.

First regarding the appointment of coaches; the mayhem and embarrassment was caused intentionally for our ulterior motives of wining the world cup 2011. Actually we intend to keep this confusion on till the world cup of 2011. As we have already informed you that we are wining the world cup, we wish the team to be projected as real heroes who won inspite of so much chaos. We would like to draw your attention to the coaches who are already, subtly, doing their jobs; Venkatesh Prasad and Robin Singh.

Venky, as we love to call him, has been a fierce bowler of his time and we mean it. Even though his records don’t show his real caliber, we trust him to be the best person for this job. He has all the weapons in his artillery to inspire and guide our bowlers. He is a born coach and this innate quality was augmented by his experience of getting hit by batsmen. He learned a lot during his tenure as opening bowler for India. We have great expectations from him and we are confident that our bowlers take good lessons from him.

Robby is another terrific fielder we had in our team. We have hired him as our fielding coach. We don’t think his achievements needs to be mentioned here as his skills were aptly represented on the field. We don’t have any batting coach because the likes of Sachin, Dravid and Ganguly don’t need coaching. These players are enough for the team to win and thus we don’t need to coach other players. The only this is that they should click in a match and trust us that one of them certainly would.

So you see we don’t need another coach. The appointment thing is a farce so as to fool the international observers. John Emburey and Graham Ford we were paid a hefty amount to be a part of this drama. Whatmore was the best suited candidate for this post but then we have lost our trust on Austalians. We had plans to buy the recently concluded 2007 world cup but then we had to back off because of fear of being tarnished at the hands of an Australian. These Australians are the biggest threat to cricket in present times. They don’t take money to throw matches and they are also invincible which puts us in a precarious situation, not just us but more importantly our neighbor across the border (they should thank the prayers of Tablighi Jamaat that Woolmer was not an Australian or else their team would have been sent to Mars to play with remaining living creatures there). Anyways time and tide wait for none and our tide of match fixing would one day rule the coasts of Australia. Which board has more money huh?

Then there are allegations on the board members that we are not suitable for this job as many of us have limited experience in cricket. These critics should realize that our hard work has turned this board into the richest in the world. Cricket is no more a game of gentlemen but now it’s a game of gentle ladies (Mandira Bedi. BTW she has really impressed us with her cricket knowledge..we might hire her as coach for the team in future) and shrewd politicians. It’s a game of money. We feel that committed cricketers could drain our money by investing in coaching youngsters and other grooming/mushrooming programmes. Cricket in India needs people like us who can work behind scenes and produce ground breaking results.

We hope this letter, which is certainly not an apology, would clarify all your doubts regarding the mayhem. Please support our Chutney sponsors by reciting chandu ke chacha ne chandu ki chachi to chandni chowk par chandi ke chammach se chanti chatai.

Ever yours,

The BCCI

You may wanna read What more? A scapegoat

What are reservations for? They are for the upliftment of a community. Their aim is to bring everyone on the same level so that there is no bias as far as progress is concerned. Communities which are not capable of rising for intrinsic reasons are given reservations so that they too get to taste success. As far as cricket is concerned, well Australian team has raised to a new high which is not easy to achieve by others. They have made other look like minnows. If Australia’s success is not checked then the time is not far when people will lose interest in cricket. So why not have reservations for the World Cup so as to allow other teams to be interested in cricket?

I am not sure about other teams but Indian team definitely deserves reservations. Here are few reasons

1. There is no Kolkata in Australia and more importantly there is no Sachin in the Australian team. This gives the selectors a breathing space and also free will to select the best possible team.

2. The selectors are not as corrupt as they are in India. Selectors are more concerned in making the team better rather than accumulating money in their Swiss bank accounts.

3. The grounds in Australia have special thick grass which allows players to practice diving since the beginning of their career. Indian players have to wait for their turn to practice with the national team abroad to get the feel of that grass.

4. Indian children are exposed to the fantasy world of Bollywood. They are made to believe that to succeed in life they have to have a girl friend who is going to dance, with a dairy milk, after they hit a six. They are made to belive that the ‘hero’ always wins in the end and Indians are heroes so don’t have to worry about the end result.

So as to respect the feeling of 1.2 billion highly committed fans, the ICC has to make special provisions to make team India win. I won’t go as far as Arjun Singh in implementing the reservations for infinite period of time but for a limited period of time, a win per decade is enough.

A post practice conversation between Agarkar and Sachin

Sachin- You know this Greg had no respect for my skills. How can a person, who is not even aware of Indian cricket, accuse me of being mean? How on earth can I be ever not give the team the importance it deserves?

Agarkar- Yes I understand Sachchi. How can they ignore your extra-ordinary performance in the last world cup!

Sachin- I single handedly led the team to the finals in 2003. I have always displayed class which is much above anyone’s in the team. Remember the Sharjah cup in 1998? You might be playing guli cricket back then.

Agarkar- Of course I do. My home TV was not working so I went to my girl friend’s house.

Sachin- Oh, you had a girl friend then? (Looks Agarkar from top to bottom)

(Agarkar frowns and sees Sachin’s tummy)

Sachin- Anyways, back then I had lot of differences with the team so I planned not to play well in the tournament. But then Dawood bhai called (sees around just to make sure no one is recording this) me. He wanted India to win so I had to give my 100%. Australians never fall for bookies so I was made to sweat on the hot pitches of Sharjah, damn them! And do you remember my innings in Madras against Pakistan? Mongia cannot be ever against me or else I will divulge out the little secret of the match.

Agarkar- Don’t tell me he took money to throw away the match!!

Sachin- No. No. Dalmiya wanted him as a west zone selector so he was asked to perform badly so that selectors could drop him easily.

Agarkar- Weird and I wonder why he obliged?

Sachin- You have no idea how much money a selector makes. I don’t want to become commentator on TV after I retire.

Agarkar- So that’s why you have been performing badly in recent games? When are you planning to retire by the way?

Sachin- Not until 2011. You see we are going to win the 2011 World Cup. Those are rumours but I am confident that BCCI cannot test the patience of Indians any more. They have to make us win now. So tell me about your future plan.

Agarkar- I really don’t know, Sachchi. I wish they can do away with fielding, I cannot dive!

Sachin- Don’t worry as Pawar will make sure you stay in the team. You have to build your image with the selectors. Spy on them so as to extract secret of their lives and then you can hold them to ransom every time you perform badly. You have enough skills to stay in the team. We don’t need asses like the Australians who put so much to win, our BCCI is by far the richest in the world.

Agarkar- I understand. So what are you upto these days?

Sachin- Nothing much. The company for which I advertised for has sent lot of biscuit packets so eat them as our breakfast. Then I go about calling my old friends and selectors so as to keep their trust intact. Some practice in the evening and then finally I am my wife hit the disc late in the night. How about you? How’s your marriage coming up?

Agarkar- My sasural wale threatened to take away their daughter if I don’t perform well in the matches. They say that their lives become hell when I play for India.

Sachin- See that’s the problem with arranged marriages. You should have had a love marriage like me. Life is so peaceful.

Sachin gets a call.

Sachin- Sorry dude have to rush. Ganguly just called to inform me that he is at Maurya Sheraton with his latest girl friend. I got to give them company.

Agarkar- Who else is coming? Shall I also join you guys? I am bored by my malevolent mother-in-law’s taunts. She gets angry when I return home early because she wants me to practice more.

Sachin- Dravid, Ravi Shastri and Azhar might join us. I think Ganguly wouldn’t prefer a newbie but don’t worry I will request him to invite you in future get-togethers.

Sachin leaves in the red BMW with his 2 body guards.

This is how the BJP’s manifesto in UP reads

1. “Surya namaskar” and Vande Mataram would be made compulsory in all schools, and yoga education mandatory for students.

Yes Vande Mataram should be recited morning and evening. The wording circulate breathing (you breath in when you recite Vande and you breath out when you recite Mataram). But utmost care should be taken while the sacred hymn is being recited as I am told by one of my friend that if this breathing in and breathing out becomes uncontrollable then one can choke to death. But I am sure BJP will recruit an Yoga expert and medical care center in every school.

Mohabbatein taught me that Surya namaskar is done while the sun is rising so I hope schools in UP will now open before sun rise. I am sure they will take every step so as to avoid students doing Surya namaskar the Amitabh Bachchan’s way because he is campaigning for the rival faction, Samajwadi Party.

But as far as my imagination goes, Mohabbatein will give the ideal movie to base their future dream schools. An ideal name- Gurukool, an ideal teacher- Narayan Shankar, the super rich students of rediff reading NRIs. I hope they can do away with any revolutionary like Raj Aryan, make him join ABVP and create trouble on Valentine’s day.

One of the gurus of Yoga once remarked that sex education should be substituted with yoga education and now BJP’s endorsement has put an official seal on it. So Yoga basically takes people away from the sexual desires and facilitates evil free mixing of opposite sex. Basically Yoga makes someone do away with desires so there is no risk of illicit relationships. I am sure that the gurus of Yoga are busy devising asana so as to make someone impotent, at the behest of BJP obviously. Why? Well they want to restrict the population of few communities in this country and Yoga is their silent bomb.

2. The Bharatiya Janata Party has accorded top priority to law and order and ending the criminal-politician nexus in Uttar Pradesh.

Everyone says so. But for that to happen the criminals within should be brought to justice. I needn’t say more but as far as my knowledge is concerned no political party comes to power without muscle power. Even the benign looking CPM are have murderous armies ready to butcher at any given opportunity (Nandigram is an example). The only difference is that top leader of national parties are not involved in crimes as is the case with BJP.

3. A law on the lines of the Prevention of Terrorism Act would be framed. Forces patronising the Students Islamic Movement of India and Pakistan’s Inter-Services Intelligence would be identified and dealt with.

The obvious target is AMU. When SIMI was first banned in India then students were virtually dragged like criminals from their hostels. They were treated like an international terrorist. I am sure something like that will repeat once it assumes power.

4. Women would be given 20 per cent reservation in government jobs and 50 per cent quota in local bodies elections. Girls who passed higher secondary and were living below the poverty line would be given cycles free.

Cycles!? What for? So as to commute for work as house maids? Give them aid or money to carry out their studies.

By only reaction is what Jayaprada gave after reading SP’s manifesto.