The Samajwadi Party manifesto for Lok Sabha polls promises closure of English medium schools which charge “high” fee, curbs on high salaries and perks, end to mechanization to facilitate more employment and seizure of assets of people having excess wealth to end corruption. [HT]

We understand that the recent events have caused embarrassment to the nation and the fans in particular. We wish to apologize for that. Saying this we also would like to clarify few issues which we feel have been ignored by the media. We are not answerable to the media but just to clarify few allegations that are and have been levied against us, we are writing this mail.

First regarding the appointment of coaches; the mayhem and embarrassment was caused intentionally for our ulterior motives of wining the world cup 2011. Actually we intend to keep this confusion on till the world cup of 2011. As we have already informed you that we are wining the world cup, we wish the team to be projected as real heroes who won inspite of so much chaos. We would like to draw your attention to the coaches who are already, subtly, doing their jobs; Venkatesh Prasad and Robin Singh.

Venky, as we love to call him, has been a fierce bowler of his time and we mean it. Even though his records don’t show his real caliber, we trust him to be the best person for this job. He has all the weapons in his artillery to inspire and guide our bowlers. He is a born coach and this innate quality was augmented by his experience of getting hit by batsmen. He learned a lot during his tenure as opening bowler for India. We have great expectations from him and we are confident that our bowlers take good lessons from him.

Robby is another terrific fielder we had in our team. We have hired him as our fielding coach. We don’t think his achievements needs to be mentioned here as his skills were aptly represented on the field. We don’t have any batting coach because the likes of Sachin, Dravid and Ganguly don’t need coaching. These players are enough for the team to win and thus we don’t need to coach other players. The only this is that they should click in a match and trust us that one of them certainly would.

So you see we don’t need another coach. The appointment thing is a farce so as to fool the international observers. John Emburey and Graham Ford we were paid a hefty amount to be a part of this drama. Whatmore was the best suited candidate for this post but then we have lost our trust on Austalians. We had plans to buy the recently concluded 2007 world cup but then we had to back off because of fear of being tarnished at the hands of an Australian. These Australians are the biggest threat to cricket in present times. They don’t take money to throw matches and they are also invincible which puts us in a precarious situation, not just us but more importantly our neighbor across the border (they should thank the prayers of Tablighi Jamaat that Woolmer was not an Australian or else their team would have been sent to Mars to play with remaining living creatures there). Anyways time and tide wait for none and our tide of match fixing would one day rule the coasts of Australia. Which board has more money huh?

Then there are allegations on the board members that we are not suitable for this job as many of us have limited experience in cricket. These critics should realize that our hard work has turned this board into the richest in the world. Cricket is no more a game of gentlemen but now it’s a game of gentle ladies (Mandira Bedi. BTW she has really impressed us with her cricket knowledge..we might hire her as coach for the team in future) and shrewd politicians. It’s a game of money. We feel that committed cricketers could drain our money by investing in coaching youngsters and other grooming/mushrooming programmes. Cricket in India needs people like us who can work behind scenes and produce ground breaking results.

We hope this letter, which is certainly not an apology, would clarify all your doubts regarding the mayhem. Please support our Chutney sponsors by reciting chandu ke chacha ne chandu ki chachi to chandni chowk par chandi ke chammach se chanti chatai.

Ever yours,

The BCCI

You may wanna read What more? A scapegoat

I am not sure about other teams but Indian team definitely deserves reservations. Here are few reasons

1. There is no Kolkata in Australia and more importantly there is no Sachin in the Australian team. This gives the selectors a breathing space and also free will to select the best possible team.

2. The selectors are not as corrupt as they are in India. Selectors are more concerned in making the team better rather than accumulating money in their Swiss bank accounts.

3. The grounds in Australia have special thick grass which allows players to practice diving since the beginning of their career. Indian players have to wait for their turn to practice with the national team abroad to get the feel of that grass.

4. Indian children are exposed to the fantasy world of Bollywood. They are made to believe that to succeed in life they have to have a girl friend who is going to dance, with a dairy milk, after they hit a six. They are made to belive that the ‘hero’ always wins in the end and Indians are heroes so don’t have to worry about the end result.

So as to respect the feeling of 1.2 billion highly committed fans, the ICC has to make special provisions to make team India win. I won’t go as far as Arjun Singh in implementing the reservations for infinite period of time but for a limited period of time, a win per decade is enough.

Sachin- You know this Greg had no respect for my skills. How can a person, who is not even aware of Indian cricket, accuse me of being mean? How on earth can I be ever not give the team the importance it deserves?

Agarkar- Yes I understand Sachchi. How can they ignore your extra-ordinary performance in the last world cup!

Sachin- I single handedly led the team to the finals in 2003. I have always displayed class which is much above anyone’s in the team. Remember the Sharjah cup in 1998? You might be playing guli cricket back then.

Agarkar- Of course I do. My home TV was not working so I went to my girl friend’s house.

Sachin- Oh, you had a girl friend then? (Looks Agarkar from top to bottom)

(Agarkar frowns and sees Sachin’s tummy)

Sachin- Anyways, back then I had lot of differences with the team so I planned not to play well in the tournament. But then Dawood bhai called (sees around just to make sure no one is recording this) me. He wanted India to win so I had to give my 100%. Australians never fall for bookies so I was made to sweat on the hot pitches of Sharjah, damn them! And do you remember my innings in Madras against Pakistan? Mongia cannot be ever against me or else I will divulge out the little secret of the match.

Agarkar- Don’t tell me he took money to throw away the match!!

Sachin- No. No. Dalmiya wanted him as a west zone selector so he was asked to perform badly so that selectors could drop him easily.

Agarkar- Weird and I wonder why he obliged?

Sachin- You have no idea how much money a selector makes. I don’t want to become commentator on TV after I retire.

Agarkar- So that’s why you have been performing badly in recent games? When are you planning to retire by the way?

Sachin- Not until 2011. You see we are going to win the 2011 World Cup. Those are rumours but I am confident that BCCI cannot test the patience of Indians any more. They have to make us win now. So tell me about your future plan.

Agarkar- I really don’t know, Sachchi. I wish they can do away with fielding, I cannot dive!

Sachin- Don’t worry as Pawar will make sure you stay in the team. You have to build your image with the selectors. Spy on them so as to extract secret of their lives and then you can hold them to ransom every time you perform badly. You have enough skills to stay in the team. We don’t need asses like the Australians who put so much to win, our BCCI is by far the richest in the world.

Agarkar- I understand. So what are you upto these days?

Sachin- Nothing much. The company for which I advertised for has sent lot of biscuit packets so eat them as our breakfast. Then I go about calling my old friends and selectors so as to keep their trust intact. Some practice in the evening and then finally I am my wife hit the disc late in the night. How about you? How’s your marriage coming up?

Agarkar- My sasural wale threatened to take away their daughter if I don’t perform well in the matches. They say that their lives become hell when I play for India.

Sachin- See that’s the problem with arranged marriages. You should have had a love marriage like me. Life is so peaceful.

Sachin gets a call.

Sachin- Sorry dude have to rush. Ganguly just called to inform me that he is at Maurya Sheraton with his latest girl friend. I got to give them company.

Agarkar- Who else is coming? Shall I also join you guys? I am bored by my malevolent mother-in-law’s taunts. She gets angry when I return home early because she wants me to practice more.

Sachin- Dravid, Ravi Shastri and Azhar might join us. I think Ganguly wouldn’t prefer a newbie but don’t worry I will request him to invite you in future get-togethers.

Sachin leaves in the red BMW with his 2 body guards.

1. “Surya namaskar” and Vande Mataram would be made compulsory in all schools, and yoga education mandatory for students.

Yes Vande Mataram should be recited morning and evening. The wording circulate breathing (you breath in when you recite Vande and you breath out when you recite Mataram). But utmost care should be taken while the sacred hymn is being recited as I am told by one of my friend that if this breathing in and breathing out becomes uncontrollable then one can choke to death. But I am sure BJP will recruit an Yoga expert and medical care center in every school.

Mohabbatein taught me that Surya namaskar is done while the sun is rising so I hope schools in UP will now open before sun rise. I am sure they will take every step so as to avoid students doing Surya namaskar the Amitabh Bachchan’s way because he is campaigning for the rival faction, Samajwadi Party.

But as far as my imagination goes, Mohabbatein will give the ideal movie to base their future dream schools. An ideal name- Gurukool, an ideal teacher- Narayan Shankar, the super rich students of rediff reading NRIs. I hope they can do away with any revolutionary like Raj Aryan, make him join ABVP and create trouble on Valentine’s day.

One of the gurus of Yoga once remarked that sex education should be substituted with yoga education and now BJP’s endorsement has put an official seal on it. So Yoga basically takes people away from the sexual desires and facilitates evil free mixing of opposite sex. Basically Yoga makes someone do away with desires so there is no risk of illicit relationships. I am sure that the gurus of Yoga are busy devising asana so as to make someone impotent, at the behest of BJP obviously. Why? Well they want to restrict the population of few communities in this country and Yoga is their silent bomb.

2. The Bharatiya Janata Party has accorded top priority to law and order and ending the criminal-politician nexus in Uttar Pradesh.

Everyone says so. But for that to happen the criminals within should be brought to justice. I needn’t say more but as far as my knowledge is concerned no political party comes to power without muscle power. Even the benign looking CPM are have murderous armies ready to butcher at any given opportunity (Nandigram is an example). The only difference is that top leader of national parties are not involved in crimes as is the case with BJP.

3. A law on the lines of the Prevention of Terrorism Act would be framed. Forces patronising the Students Islamic Movement of India and Pakistan’s Inter-Services Intelligence would be identified and dealt with.

The obvious target is AMU. When SIMI was first banned in India then students were virtually dragged like criminals from their hostels. They were treated like an international terrorist. I am sure something like that will repeat once it assumes power.

4. Women would be given 20 per cent reservation in government jobs and 50 per cent quota in local bodies elections. Girls who passed higher secondary and were living below the poverty line would be given cycles free.

Cycles!? What for? So as to commute for work as house maids? Give them aid or money to carry out their studies.

By only reaction is what Jayaprada gave after reading SP’s manifesto.

Please spread this news , especially to NGOs (Narender Governed Organizations), so that others can benefit from it.

I wholeheartedly support and endorse this convention. This is the first time a gathering of this special class of human is being organized. I have so much respect for eunuchs who spend their whole life extorting men of their money. I have lot of sweet memories of them while travelling by train.

Picture courtesy- TOI

So why do people demand reservations? Because they are incapable of achieving things on their own because of social, political,physical or mental issues. Did I just say mental? Oh yes! If you observe around then the hottest girls are with dudes who are tall, dark and handsome. What do the geeks get? Perhaps the only place geeks find attractive women is on the CW TV’s Beauty and the Geek show. People like Arjun Rampal have all the fun with girls (His latest movie ‘I See You‘ should be called ‘I.C.U’–>Intensive Care Unit, one of the most pathetic comedies I have seen after Naksha) just because he is good looking with absolutely no intelligent of his own. What about a guy like me whose present relationship status stands at two and a half, all one sided by the way,(half because one of my ex was managing me with someone else)? No one cannot even imagine the gush of jealous liquid that used to pump within me when my girl friends used to jump up and down at Salman Khan’s posters or even at a smart dude sitting next to us, who in most cases was the next boy friend of my ex girl friends. Just because I am not smart, I don’t get the best of girls around? I had no say in my make. I was born this way. Can’t I love someone beautiful or I am doomed to marry someone Rampal won’t even keeping as his cook?

Same is the case with geeks whom women don’t prefer because they lack social skills. In many cases people who are not smart or geeks end up ruining their lives because of lack of feminine love. Many stay single and end up ruining neighbour’s life. What percentage of men are handsome? May be 5-10 %. What percentage of women are beautiful? May be 80%. See the disparity? Those 5-10% get to keep 80%!

Considering these facts and figures I demand reservations of geeks and non-handsome people

1. At least 30% of the beautiful girls should be in a faithful relationship with geeks and non-handsome people. If a smart dude tries to take these girls away then it should be considered a crime against the dude and similarly against the girl if she voluntarily sways away.

2. There should be competition for geeks and non-handsome so as to qualify for this benefit.

3. There is a famous saying in engineering colleges that goes like, “99% of the girls are beautiful and the rest are in my college”. Considering this I demand forced admission of at least 25% of the beautiful girls in these colleges. These girls should be admitted without competitive exams. They should also be helped, throughout their academic career, with question papers plus solutions at least a week in advance.

If the government fails to take these steps then this might very well be on cards.

If the demands are not met then the imbalance that would result because of the above disparity might bring unimaginable suffering to this planet.

Image courtesy- http://life.typepad.com/ and www.myspaceantics.com

First let me apologize for the dismal performance of the team at the World Cup. We take full responsibility of the defeat. We understand your frustration at the team’s exit in the first round and especially at the loss to Bangladesh but you see we had no option. The loss to Bangladesh was planned because the Indian Government struck a deal with the Bangladesh that if it allows its team to lose this match then the illegal Bangladeshi immigrants,spread across length and breadth of India, would be accepted back. Plus there was lot of pressure from the ICC to make Bangladesh win as it has been so many years since it was granted test status.

The loss to Sri Lanka was to ensure that Bangladesh qualify for the super 8. We understand the humiliation at losing to Bangladesh but imagine the economic advantage that India stands to gain after these immigrants are taken back. We are patriots and we believe in sacrifice of our beloved things for the betterment of the country as a whole. Actually the government was really concerned about the human rights violation of these immigrants stationed in West Bengal, especially after Nandigram incident, so our PM made special request to the team to leave their private desires and sacrifice for the good of the country.

We also have some good news for you all. World Cup 2011 has been awarded to India! It will be a Indo-Pak final at the Eden Gardens. (The official sale of tickets begin in 2010 but you can book in advance through our back channel). Just to avenge the setback to our egos, India will play Bangladesh in Dhaka and defeat it by a margin of 200+ runs.

We are highly committed in making the World Cup win in 2011 genuine, so here is the masterplan-

1. Sachin will stay till 2011. We are planning to burden him again with the captaincy.

2. Rakhi Sawant will be our team ambassador. With her bouncers, she is incharge of ensuring the defeat of the mighty Australians. We might also hire Mallika Sherawat to handle other teams.

3. Ads which were made for the world cup 2007 will be regularly shown to the team so as to keep their morale high.

4. Saurav Ganguly will be our new physiotherapist. This is to ensure that there are no protest rallies in West Bengal and the communist continue their support to the central government.

5. Other details like the coach and team composition will be decided will time. We are looking at the option of Nayan Mongia taking charge as the coach of the team. No more foreign coaches as they keep creating feud among different regions of the country. We want a desi coach who understands the Indian psyche. Plus we are really running short of cash because of early world cup exit, the government has promised to compensate but it will take a minimum 5 years for the government to accumulate the huge loss we have incurred, so an internal coach will suit our bill.

Till 2011 keep watching cricket! Please be our support in these times of distress. Lets share this sadness so as to console each other. In the meantime feel free to show off your skills

Yours and only yours,

The BCCI.

Picture for the TOI

AIMPB (Jadeed) president Maulana Tauqeer Raza Khan said the Centre was deliberately hurting sentiments of Muslims by not banning her entry to the country.

Addressing the board’s annual meeting at Bareilly, he said the reward announcement will become operational if New Delhi does not restrict her entry into the country.

Noting that Nasreen had made “derogatory references against Prophet Mohammad in her writings,” Tauqeer said: “We demand that the government ban her entry into the country. If it is not done, anyone who beheads her will be given a reward of Rs 5 lakh,” he said.[CNN IBN]

I thought of catching up with Maulana sahab about this recent ‘open supari’

S: Sir there are reports that you have announced a cash reward of Rs. 5 lakhs to anyone who beheads Ms. Nasreen, is this true?

M: Yes this is definitely true.

S: Cool! so is this challenge open to all or there are conditions to be satisfied by a person?

M: Its open to anyone on this planet. We just want her dead.

S: So if her head is worth Rs. 5 lakhs then what about her other body parts? What if I only get her legs or arms?

M: No, we want her her head or else she will be kept on life support systems like the one Zionists are giving to Ariel Sharon and she will continue her blasphemy. We want her head to be sure that she stops her rant.

S: OK! But what about the security of the killer?

M: Many world  leaders including Iranian president and Taliban’s president have approached me for the support. They will provide asylum to the killer and also fulfil all his basic requirements throughout this life. Few political parties in Pakistan have promised to give him the highest civilian award.

S: That’s awesome. Can you elaborate more on this ‘few political parties’?

M: Somethings are better kept hidden my boy! Bottom-line is that Musharraf is a US puppet who is least interested in defending the religion.

S: Oh yes! I have heard that he even drinks openly. By the way, what about the reward on the heads of people like Salman Rushdie, Wafa Sultana, Irshad Manji and Ayaan Hirsi?

M: We haven’t given a thought on it but would definitely be more than pleased to see all their heads.

S: Any estimate sir so as to encourage us do this act?

M: May be the money will double with every head. Rs. 10 lakhs for 2, Rs. 20 lakhs for 3 and so on.

S: That’s fabulous. Can I ask you about the source of this huge amount of money? There are reports that UP election have forced you to kindle the fire of communal tension. Is the Samajwadi Party funding you?

M: Definitely not. We have our own sources which we don’t wish to disclose.

The interview was cut short after Maulana sahab got call on his cell phone from someone in Italy.

Just to clarify, AIMPB (Jadeed) IS NOT AIMPB. AIMPB (Jadeed) is the breakaway faction from the original one. They call themselves ‘Jadeed’ which means latest but based on their puritanical views they should be called AIMPB (Rebels).

A Sardar joke is just that — a joke You will find more Sardars in jokes than in the entire state of Punjab — or so goes a Sardar joke.

And a very good one at that! There are very few communities in the world that have the courage to laugh at themselves. The Sikh community is one of them. It is not easy to laugh at oneself and also share the same joke the next instant — it is the result of self-realisation.

Amandeep Singh in the HT.

People create unnecessary confusion when they misquote or misunderstand ‘straight’ and ‘plain’ statements by politicians. It’s because politicians are the best jokers in this country and also have intellectual level higher than normal Indians. This exactly happened with George Fernandes when he claimed to the media that Mr. Vajpayee asked him not to touch the Bofor files. It seems that Mr. Vajapyee’s erudite joke was only understood and acted upon by Fernandes. He tried to share the same joke and make us laugh but alas! our mental ability doesn’t allow us to appreciate this ‘joke’.

So just when the media thought they had something interesting to delve into, Fernandes broke their heart. Perhaps the greatest controversy of 2007 was sadly a joke.

A DAY after his controversial remark on the Bofors issue that shocked the BJP leadership, NDA convenor George Fernandes on Sunday said that he had been misquoted and that former Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee was “joking� when he told him not to touch the Bofors file.

 

Replying to a television reporter’s query in Dharamshala on Saturday, Fernandes said that the then PM had asked him to keep his hands off the file. However, a day later, he told mediapersons at his residence that his words had been taken out of context and he had actually referred to the file on purchase of new Bofors guns and spare parts in the aftermath of the Kargil war and not to any file related to investigation into the alleged payoffs in the Bofors deal.

The line in bold and italics is the joke. If you are not laughing now then there is some serious problem with you. Go get politicized or start taking laughing therapy.

BTW don’t link my first statement with my next paragraph or else you will end up making fool of yourself as the media did.

Source- HT