Satire

Everyone these days seems to be demanding reservations. First the Sachar committee’s report prompted Muslim MPs to demand IITs and IIMs exclusively for the Muslim community. And now the latest National Sample Survey Organisation’s (NSSO) data says Christians, the most educated religious community, top the list of the unemployed in the country. So now Christians too will demand a share in the reservations. Women reservation in the parliament is an old issue.

So why do people demand reservations? Because they are incapable of achieving things on their own because of social, political,physical or mental issues. Did I just say mental? Oh yes! If you observe around then the hottest girls are with dudes who are tall, dark and handsome. What do the geeks get? Perhaps the only place geeks find attractive women is on the CW TV’s Beauty and the Geek show. People like Arjun Rampal have all the fun with girls (His latest movie ‘I See You‘ should be called ‘I.C.U’–>Intensive Care Unit, one of the most pathetic comedies I have seen after Naksha) just because he is good looking with absolutely no intelligent of his own. What about a guy like me whose present relationship status stands at two and a half, all one sided by the way,(half because one of my ex was managing me with someone else)? No one cannot even imagine the gush of jealous liquid that used to pump within me when my girl friends used to jump up and down at Salman Khan’s posters or even at a smart dude sitting next to us, who in most cases was the next boy friend of my ex girl friends. Just because I am not smart, I don’t get the best of girls around? I had no say in my make. I was born this way. Can’t I love someone beautiful or I am doomed to marry someone Rampal won’t even keeping as his cook?

Same is the case with geeks whom women don’t prefer because they lack social skills. In many cases people who are not smart or geeks end up ruining their lives because of lack of feminine love. Many stay single and end up ruining neighbour’s life. What percentage of men are handsome? May be 5-10 %. What percentage of women are beautiful? May be 80%. See the disparity? Those 5-10% get to keep 80%!

Considering these facts and figures I demand reservations of geeks and non-handsome people

1. At least 30% of the beautiful girls should be in a faithful relationship with geeks and non-handsome people. If a smart dude tries to take these girls away then it should be considered a crime against the dude and similarly against the girl if she voluntarily sways away.

2. There should be competition for geeks and non-handsome so as to qualify for this benefit.

3. There is a famous saying in engineering colleges that goes like, “99% of the girls are beautiful and the rest are in my college”. Considering this I demand forced admission of at least 25% of the beautiful girls in these colleges. These girls should be admitted without competitive exams. They should also be helped, throughout their academic career, with question papers plus solutions at least a week in advance.

If the government fails to take these steps then this might very well be on cards.

If the demands are not met then the imbalance that would result because of the above disparity might bring unimaginable suffering to this planet.

Image courtesy- http://life.typepad.com/ and www.myspaceantics.com

Dear cricket fans,

First let me apologize for the dismal performance of the team at the World Cup. We take full responsibility of the defeat. We understand your frustration at the team’s exit in the first round and especially at the loss to Bangladesh but you see we had no option. The loss to Bangladesh was planned because the Indian Government struck a deal with the Bangladesh that if it allows its team to lose this match then the illegal Bangladeshi immigrants,spread across length and breadth of India, would be accepted back. Plus there was lot of pressure from the ICC to make Bangladesh win as it has been so many years since it was granted test status.

The loss to Sri Lanka was to ensure that Bangladesh qualify for the super 8. We understand the humiliation at losing to Bangladesh but imagine the economic advantage that India stands to gain after these immigrants are taken back. We are patriots and we believe in sacrifice of our beloved things for the betterment of the country as a whole. Actually the government was really concerned about the human rights violation of these immigrants stationed in West Bengal, especially after Nandigram incident, so our PM made special request to the team to leave their private desires and sacrifice for the good of the country.

We also have some good news for you all. World Cup 2011 has been awarded to India! It will be a Indo-Pak final at the Eden Gardens. (The official sale of tickets begin in 2010 but you can book in advance through our back channel). Just to avenge the setback to our egos, India will play Bangladesh in Dhaka and defeat it by a margin of 200+ runs.

We are highly committed in making the World Cup win in 2011 genuine, so here is the masterplan-

1. Sachin will stay till 2011. We are planning to burden him again with the captaincy.

2. Rakhi Sawant will be our team ambassador. With her bouncers, she is incharge of ensuring the defeat of the mighty Australians. We might also hire Mallika Sherawat to handle other teams.

3. Ads which were made for the world cup 2007 will be regularly shown to the team so as to keep their morale high.

4. Saurav Ganguly will be our new physiotherapist. This is to ensure that there are no protest rallies in West Bengal and the communist continue their support to the central government.

5. Other details like the coach and team composition will be decided will time. We are looking at the option of Nayan Mongia taking charge as the coach of the team. No more foreign coaches as they keep creating feud among different regions of the country. We want a desi coach who understands the Indian psyche. Plus we are really running short of cash because of early world cup exit, the government has promised to compensate but it will take a minimum 5 years for the government to accumulate the huge loss we have incurred, so an internal coach will suit our bill.

Till 2011 keep watching cricket! Please be our support in these times of distress. Lets share this sadness so as to console each other. In the meantime feel free to show off your skills

Yours and only yours,

The BCCI.

Picture for the TOI

Maulana Tauqeer Raza Khan recently announced a reward of Rs. 5 lakhs to anyone who beheads the great Bangladeshi symbol of feminism, Ms. Tasmila Nasreen.

AIMPB (Jadeed) president Maulana Tauqeer Raza Khan said the Centre was deliberately hurting sentiments of Muslims by not banning her entry to the country.

Addressing the board’s annual meeting at Bareilly, he said the reward announcement will become operational if New Delhi does not restrict her entry into the country.

Noting that Nasreen had made “derogatory references against Prophet Mohammad in her writings,” Tauqeer said: “We demand that the government ban her entry into the country. If it is not done, anyone who beheads her will be given a reward of Rs 5 lakh,” he said.[CNN IBN]

I thought of catching up with Maulana sahab about this recent ‘open supari’

S: Sir there are reports that you have announced a cash reward of Rs. 5 lakhs to anyone who beheads Ms. Nasreen, is this true?

M: Yes this is definitely true.

S: Cool! so is this challenge open to all or there are conditions to be satisfied by a person?

M: Its open to anyone on this planet. We just want her dead.

S: So if her head is worth Rs. 5 lakhs then what about her other body parts? What if I only get her legs or arms?

M: No, we want her her head or else she will be kept on life support systems like the one Zionists are giving to Ariel Sharon and she will continue her blasphemy. We want her head to be sure that she stops her rant.

S: OK! But what about the security of the killer?

M: Many world  leaders including Iranian president and Taliban’s president have approached me for the support. They will provide asylum to the killer and also fulfil all his basic requirements throughout this life. Few political parties in Pakistan have promised to give him the highest civilian award.

S: That’s awesome. Can you elaborate more on this ‘few political parties’?

M: Somethings are better kept hidden my boy! Bottom-line is that Musharraf is a US puppet who is least interested in defending the religion.

S: Oh yes! I have heard that he even drinks openly. By the way, what about the reward on the heads of people like Salman Rushdie, Wafa Sultana, Irshad Manji and Ayaan Hirsi?

M: We haven’t given a thought on it but would definitely be more than pleased to see all their heads.

S: Any estimate sir so as to encourage us do this act?

M: May be the money will double with every head. Rs. 10 lakhs for 2, Rs. 20 lakhs for 3 and so on.

S: That’s fabulous. Can I ask you about the source of this huge amount of money? There are reports that UP election have forced you to kindle the fire of communal tension. Is the Samajwadi Party funding you?

M: Definitely not. We have our own sources which we don’t wish to disclose.

The interview was cut short after Maulana sahab got call on his cell phone from someone in Italy.

Just to clarify, AIMPB (Jadeed) IS NOT AIMPB. AIMPB (Jadeed) is the breakaway faction from the original one. They call themselves ‘Jadeed’ which means latest but based on their puritanical views they should be called AIMPB (Rebels).

People cannot jokes the way it should be taken because everyone of us are not sardars!

A Sardar joke is just that — a joke You will find more Sardars in jokes than in the entire state of Punjab — or so goes a Sardar joke.

And a very good one at that! There are very few communities in the world that have the courage to laugh at themselves. The Sikh community is one of them. It is not easy to laugh at oneself and also share the same joke the next instant — it is the result of self-realisation.

Amandeep Singh in the HT.

People create unnecessary confusion when they misquote or misunderstand ‘straight’ and ‘plain’ statements by politicians. It’s because politicians are the best jokers in this country and also have intellectual level higher than normal Indians. This exactly happened with George Fernandes when he claimed to the media that Mr. Vajpayee asked him not to touch the Bofor files. It seems that Mr. Vajapyee’s erudite joke was only understood and acted upon by Fernandes. He tried to share the same joke and make us laugh but alas! our mental ability doesn’t allow us to appreciate this ‘joke’.

So just when the media thought they had something interesting to delve into, Fernandes broke their heart. Perhaps the greatest controversy of 2007 was sadly a joke.

A DAY after his controversial remark on the Bofors issue that shocked the BJP leadership, NDA convenor George Fernandes on Sunday said that he had been misquoted and that former Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee was “joking� when he told him not to touch the Bofors file.

 

Replying to a television reporter’s query in Dharamshala on Saturday, Fernandes said that the then PM had asked him to keep his hands off the file. However, a day later, he told mediapersons at his residence that his words had been taken out of context and he had actually referred to the file on purchase of new Bofors guns and spare parts in the aftermath of the Kargil war and not to any file related to investigation into the alleged payoffs in the Bofors deal.

The line in bold and italics is the joke. If you are not laughing now then there is some serious problem with you. Go get politicized or start taking laughing therapy.

BTW don’t link my first statement with my next paragraph or else you will end up making fool of yourself as the media did.

Source- HT