After today’s attack on Sri Lankan cricketers, I would once again reiterate my advocacy of calling Pakistan a Najistan. It’s not just a failed state, its a blot on the name of humanity and freedom.

–> Few fanatic morons walk into your territory and declare it as their own. Then the national government succeeds in getting a ‘ceasefire’ and flaunts its as a diplomatic success.

–> Its investigation into the Bombay attacks are a complete mockery of investigation.

–> The security of a national cricket team is breached by few rascals and then escape as if they came to get autographs. Weren’t the cricketers even provided with bullet proof buses for transportation?

–> Economy- Well…leave it

And you still want to call that country clean of all evils?

I won’t go far in comparing Pakistan with a country that was born at the same time. Bangladesh. Even though Bangladesh had its tryst with anarchy, its achievement in maintaing democracy and controlling the army is commendable (The recently army mutiny is an example). On the other hand, Pakistan is an absolute joke when it comes to democracy and i better not talk about its control of its army. Even though Bangladesh is economically behind Pakistan, majorly because of the geographical location of Bangladesh and partially due to unauthorized rule of Pakistan for 25 years.

The country’s athletic ineptitude is so profound that a parliamentarian called for two minutes of silence to “lament the demise of Indian sports” after the squad failed to win any medals in Barcelona in 1992.

Chak De has highlights many important aspect of Indian sports which are responsible for the pathetic state of present day affairs-

1. Regionalism. Players are more conscious about their state rather than country. This has to do with lack of professionalism. Most of the players are not professionals because the pay is abysmally low and hence they play for state as a hobby. Regional feelings are bound to be dominant considering the fact that the imaginary boundaries of superiority/inferiority are deep rooted. Jharkhand is considered a land of forest where only adivasis exist. This superlative feeling is so profound that even the movie disparaged the girls from Jharkhand; why can’t the hero of the team be from Jharkhand? Why she is always from Chandigarh/Punjab or Haryana? I do appreciate the fact that Jharkhand is a backward state but then if this is the treatment meted out then who is going to encourage nationalistic feeling? Isn’t Jharkhand a part of India? Does only convent education guarantee quality? Does always beauty lead to success?

I felt utterly pained by the disparaging remarks of players and officials in the movie. I was watching the movie in Chandigarh so the cheer for Chandigarh hockey captain was expected. But why belittling the players from Jharkhand? Remember Bihar was once India’s richest state and its just a matter of time before it recaptures its position. But then is it important? Important thing is that India should progress. The impetus can come from Punjab or Tamil Nadu.

Government has to do more to inculcate the feeling of one nation. Regional disparities have to be eradicated. Let the political divisions be only be for administrative purposes. Let the processes be centralized so as to avoid regional shortcomings.

2. Emotions- It again has to do with professionalism. Do our players need malevolent administrative staff to stir the emotional urge to win? The urge to win and team spirit will come by being a professional. This is what differentiates Indian player from the others and this is something that will come after economic strength comes to the game.

3. Non-Tech savvy coaches- While the Australian coach was using technology to gauge the performance of rival team, our coach Sir, impeccably dressed, was just jumping up and down. This is something the younger generation can bring into every aspect of life. Sadly our elder generation has a phobia of computers.

4. Irresponsible officials- The babus running government offices are either too prejudiced or too lethargic to work…forget initiatives. They form the single biggest reason why Indian governance fails to cope up with its industrial progress. Of course the reasons lie within the department itself. Why should he/she work when there is no performance initiative? Why should he/she do overtime without any extra pay? Bas kat raha hai….

5. Hero to zero in milliseconds- Single performances make someone a hero overnight and a bad performance can demonize the same person in no time. We are just too emotional.

What else can you think?

We understand that the recent events have caused embarrassment to the nation and the fans in particular. We wish to apologize for that. Saying this we also would like to clarify few issues which we feel have been ignored by the media. We are not answerable to the media but just to clarify few allegations that are and have been levied against us, we are writing this mail.

First regarding the appointment of coaches; the mayhem and embarrassment was caused intentionally for our ulterior motives of wining the world cup 2011. Actually we intend to keep this confusion on till the world cup of 2011. As we have already informed you that we are wining the world cup, we wish the team to be projected as real heroes who won inspite of so much chaos. We would like to draw your attention to the coaches who are already, subtly, doing their jobs; Venkatesh Prasad and Robin Singh.

Venky, as we love to call him, has been a fierce bowler of his time and we mean it. Even though his records don’t show his real caliber, we trust him to be the best person for this job. He has all the weapons in his artillery to inspire and guide our bowlers. He is a born coach and this innate quality was augmented by his experience of getting hit by batsmen. He learned a lot during his tenure as opening bowler for India. We have great expectations from him and we are confident that our bowlers take good lessons from him.

Robby is another terrific fielder we had in our team. We have hired him as our fielding coach. We don’t think his achievements needs to be mentioned here as his skills were aptly represented on the field. We don’t have any batting coach because the likes of Sachin, Dravid and Ganguly don’t need coaching. These players are enough for the team to win and thus we don’t need to coach other players. The only this is that they should click in a match and trust us that one of them certainly would.

So you see we don’t need another coach. The appointment thing is a farce so as to fool the international observers. John Emburey and Graham Ford we were paid a hefty amount to be a part of this drama. Whatmore was the best suited candidate for this post but then we have lost our trust on Austalians. We had plans to buy the recently concluded 2007 world cup but then we had to back off because of fear of being tarnished at the hands of an Australian. These Australians are the biggest threat to cricket in present times. They don’t take money to throw matches and they are also invincible which puts us in a precarious situation, not just us but more importantly our neighbor across the border (they should thank the prayers of Tablighi Jamaat that Woolmer was not an Australian or else their team would have been sent to Mars to play with remaining living creatures there). Anyways time and tide wait for none and our tide of match fixing would one day rule the coasts of Australia. Which board has more money huh?

Then there are allegations on the board members that we are not suitable for this job as many of us have limited experience in cricket. These critics should realize that our hard work has turned this board into the richest in the world. Cricket is no more a game of gentlemen but now it’s a game of gentle ladies (Mandira Bedi. BTW she has really impressed us with her cricket knowledge..we might hire her as coach for the team in future) and shrewd politicians. It’s a game of money. We feel that committed cricketers could drain our money by investing in coaching youngsters and other grooming/mushrooming programmes. Cricket in India needs people like us who can work behind scenes and produce ground breaking results.

We hope this letter, which is certainly not an apology, would clarify all your doubts regarding the mayhem. Please support our Chutney sponsors by reciting chandu ke chacha ne chandu ki chachi to chandni chowk par chandi ke chammach se chanti chatai.

Ever yours,

The BCCI

You may wanna read What more? A scapegoat

Sudhir Kumar Gautam, a resident of Muzzafarpur and an ardent cricket fan, arrives at Petrapole in West Bengal on Tuesday en route to Bangladesh riding on a cycle to see India -Bangladesh cricket Test match.[HT]

Pictures courtesy cricketNext

Pictures courtesy cricketNext

I am not sure about other teams but Indian team definitely deserves reservations. Here are few reasons

1. There is no Kolkata in Australia and more importantly there is no Sachin in the Australian team. This gives the selectors a breathing space and also free will to select the best possible team.

2. The selectors are not as corrupt as they are in India. Selectors are more concerned in making the team better rather than accumulating money in their Swiss bank accounts.

3. The grounds in Australia have special thick grass which allows players to practice diving since the beginning of their career. Indian players have to wait for their turn to practice with the national team abroad to get the feel of that grass.

4. Indian children are exposed to the fantasy world of Bollywood. They are made to believe that to succeed in life they have to have a girl friend who is going to dance, with a dairy milk, after they hit a six. They are made to belive that the ‘hero’ always wins in the end and Indians are heroes so don’t have to worry about the end result.

So as to respect the feeling of 1.2 billion highly committed fans, the ICC has to make special provisions to make team India win. I won’t go as far as Arjun Singh in implementing the reservations for infinite period of time but for a limited period of time, a win per decade is enough.

Sachin- You know this Greg had no respect for my skills. How can a person, who is not even aware of Indian cricket, accuse me of being mean? How on earth can I be ever not give the team the importance it deserves?

Agarkar- Yes I understand Sachchi. How can they ignore your extra-ordinary performance in the last world cup!

Sachin- I single handedly led the team to the finals in 2003. I have always displayed class which is much above anyone’s in the team. Remember the Sharjah cup in 1998? You might be playing guli cricket back then.

Agarkar- Of course I do. My home TV was not working so I went to my girl friend’s house.

Sachin- Oh, you had a girl friend then? (Looks Agarkar from top to bottom)

(Agarkar frowns and sees Sachin’s tummy)

Sachin- Anyways, back then I had lot of differences with the team so I planned not to play well in the tournament. But then Dawood bhai called (sees around just to make sure no one is recording this) me. He wanted India to win so I had to give my 100%. Australians never fall for bookies so I was made to sweat on the hot pitches of Sharjah, damn them! And do you remember my innings in Madras against Pakistan? Mongia cannot be ever against me or else I will divulge out the little secret of the match.

Agarkar- Don’t tell me he took money to throw away the match!!

Sachin- No. No. Dalmiya wanted him as a west zone selector so he was asked to perform badly so that selectors could drop him easily.

Agarkar- Weird and I wonder why he obliged?

Sachin- You have no idea how much money a selector makes. I don’t want to become commentator on TV after I retire.

Agarkar- So that’s why you have been performing badly in recent games? When are you planning to retire by the way?

Sachin- Not until 2011. You see we are going to win the 2011 World Cup. Those are rumours but I am confident that BCCI cannot test the patience of Indians any more. They have to make us win now. So tell me about your future plan.

Agarkar- I really don’t know, Sachchi. I wish they can do away with fielding, I cannot dive!

Sachin- Don’t worry as Pawar will make sure you stay in the team. You have to build your image with the selectors. Spy on them so as to extract secret of their lives and then you can hold them to ransom every time you perform badly. You have enough skills to stay in the team. We don’t need asses like the Australians who put so much to win, our BCCI is by far the richest in the world.

Agarkar- I understand. So what are you upto these days?

Sachin- Nothing much. The company for which I advertised for has sent lot of biscuit packets so eat them as our breakfast. Then I go about calling my old friends and selectors so as to keep their trust intact. Some practice in the evening and then finally I am my wife hit the disc late in the night. How about you? How’s your marriage coming up?

Agarkar- My sasural wale threatened to take away their daughter if I don’t perform well in the matches. They say that their lives become hell when I play for India.

Sachin- See that’s the problem with arranged marriages. You should have had a love marriage like me. Life is so peaceful.

Sachin gets a call.

Sachin- Sorry dude have to rush. Ganguly just called to inform me that he is at Maurya Sheraton with his latest girl friend. I got to give them company.

Agarkar- Who else is coming? Shall I also join you guys? I am bored by my malevolent mother-in-law’s taunts. She gets angry when I return home early because she wants me to practice more.

Sachin- Dravid, Ravi Shastri and Azhar might join us. I think Ganguly wouldn’t prefer a newbie but don’t worry I will request him to invite you in future get-togethers.

Sachin leaves in the red BMW with his 2 body guards.