I am pissed off at the attitude of Indian players towards training. The most important factor responsible for team India’s shameful exit is the self-conceit each player is overwhelmed with. Let me begin with Sachin

1. He rarely finds time for practice as he is busy with advertisement. The directors even chase him down to the training ground where he performs in breaks during training. Know why he keeps adjusting his pelvic guard incessantly during batting? Well he once appeared for diaper advertisement but forgot to take it off for the entire day. This caused rashes to develop in and around his pelvic area which no ‘Etch guard’ could remove so far. Poor guy has to suffer his entire life for that malfunctioning diaper.

He never lets me touch his MRF bat. He never takes advices on batting as he considers himself the all mighty of cricket. Above all he disparages me for me being an Aussie! And I also suspect that he is too emotional for my enemy from Kolkata, about whom I will write shortly.

2. Yuvraj- Well he is another poster boy of the MNCs ranging from bikes to clothes. Too egoistic because of his smartness and agility on the field. He always has a nice time on tours because of his female fans. I have developed jealousy because of this fan following. At times girls crowd around him to take autographs and I get only their moms! I deserve more than those big bellied sari clad aunties.

He too is a no docile. He even threatens that if I dare step in Chandigarh then his associates will beat the hell out of me so I better stop teaching him how to field or bat.

3. Sehwag- I have told him so many times that he should see the ball before hitting it. You cannot hit a yorker for a six but it seems he is too influenced by an Indian game gilli-danda where in you get only full toses. I wish I could give him a bat as thick at the wickets so that he can hit every ball with his gifted power. He has a dream of hitting the ball for a six over the wicket keeper’s head, basically facing the wicket keeper while the bowl is being bowled and just tossing it in the air. He is willing to learn but then I cannot teach a gilli-danda man how to bat.

4. Dhoni- He has a dream to appear for the advertisement of Pantene Pro V so he is particular about his hairs growing big. He even dies them with colours according to the country he is in. He is another girl favourite. He knows a lot about girls of different variety, which is a surprise to me as he comes from the jungles of Jharkhand where people are very close to nature in their dressing sense. He tells me that nomadic girls are far more sexier than the present day chicks. I plan to spend my life after retirement in those jungles exploring the complexities of these girls.

He would ideally hold the bat with his right hand over his left but just to keep the accepted cricket practice alive he doesn’t do that. He has a future as a wicket-keep cum batsman. He is my favourite in the team because he shares his female fans with me.

5. Dravid- Even though he is smart, he is not even concerned about the females falling for him. Yuvraj’s company has made him a bit interested in girls. Plus he wanted to shun away rumours that he is a part of the gay club in the team so he sometimes poses with girls.

Wonderful captain. In short the right guy in the wrong team.

6. Ganguly- Well I have nothing more to say because he has already washed the dirty linen in public. The prince of Calcutta has now grown old and he should retire. He should be careful in his personal life though, rumours of his affair with Nagma reminds of poor Azharuddin. I wonder why every Indian captain indulges in extra-marital affairs. Perhaps selectors should select someone from the gay club.

And now the gay club. I cannot disclose members of this club as its not legal in India. Few members of the team are indeed different and they have every right to be different. I support this club for lot of reasons-

• they can stay in single so the hotel charges are low
• they are mentally the most satisfied in the team as they don’t have to depend on outsiders to quench their thirst (as few members go looking for company as soon as we land)
•  constipation can drain anyone of energy but this group doesn’t suffers from that so they are physically fit all the time
• they have a nice time every time we win a match (the first ones to hug each other are necessarily members of this club) but at times it becomes a problem (when a non-member hugs a member)

Please advice me on this issue. Should I continue or retire to the jungles on Jharkhand?

Disclaimer- If you cannot take humour then please close this page. Please don’t shower me with emails that you intend to take legal action against me. (Especially the ones who did on my previous post)