World-cup-cricket

Dear cricket fans,

We understand that the recent events have caused embarrassment to the nation and the fans in particular. We wish to apologize for that. Saying this we also would like to clarify few issues which we feel have been ignored by the media. We are not answerable to the media but just to clarify few allegations that are and have been levied against us, we are writing this mail.

First regarding the appointment of coaches; the mayhem and embarrassment was caused intentionally for our ulterior motives of wining the world cup 2011. Actually we intend to keep this confusion on till the world cup of 2011. As we have already informed you that we are wining the world cup, we wish the team to be projected as real heroes who won inspite of so much chaos. We would like to draw your attention to the coaches who are already, subtly, doing their jobs; Venkatesh Prasad and Robin Singh.

Venky, as we love to call him, has been a fierce bowler of his time and we mean it. Even though his records don’t show his real caliber, we trust him to be the best person for this job. He has all the weapons in his artillery to inspire and guide our bowlers. He is a born coach and this innate quality was augmented by his experience of getting hit by batsmen. He learned a lot during his tenure as opening bowler for India. We have great expectations from him and we are confident that our bowlers take good lessons from him.

Robby is another terrific fielder we had in our team. We have hired him as our fielding coach. We don’t think his achievements needs to be mentioned here as his skills were aptly represented on the field. We don’t have any batting coach because the likes of Sachin, Dravid and Ganguly don’t need coaching. These players are enough for the team to win and thus we don’t need to coach other players. The only this is that they should click in a match and trust us that one of them certainly would.

So you see we don’t need another coach. The appointment thing is a farce so as to fool the international observers. John Emburey and Graham Ford we were paid a hefty amount to be a part of this drama. Whatmore was the best suited candidate for this post but then we have lost our trust on Austalians. We had plans to buy the recently concluded 2007 world cup but then we had to back off because of fear of being tarnished at the hands of an Australian. These Australians are the biggest threat to cricket in present times. They don’t take money to throw matches and they are also invincible which puts us in a precarious situation, not just us but more importantly our neighbor across the border (they should thank the prayers of Tablighi Jamaat that Woolmer was not an Australian or else their team would have been sent to Mars to play with remaining living creatures there). Anyways time and tide wait for none and our tide of match fixing would one day rule the coasts of Australia. Which board has more money huh?

Then there are allegations on the board members that we are not suitable for this job as many of us have limited experience in cricket. These critics should realize that our hard work has turned this board into the richest in the world. Cricket is no more a game of gentlemen but now it’s a game of gentle ladies (Mandira Bedi. BTW she has really impressed us with her cricket knowledge..we might hire her as coach for the team in future) and shrewd politicians. It’s a game of money. We feel that committed cricketers could drain our money by investing in coaching youngsters and other grooming/mushrooming programmes. Cricket in India needs people like us who can work behind scenes and produce ground breaking results.

We hope this letter, which is certainly not an apology, would clarify all your doubts regarding the mayhem. Please support our Chutney sponsors by reciting chandu ke chacha ne chandu ki chachi to chandni chowk par chandi ke chammach se chanti chatai.

Ever yours,

The BCCI

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