I sometimes feel MAD. And this madness is usually directed against someone. I am not going to talk about why I hate that person and what should be done to get over it. I was just wondering the thought process that goes inside me. I first think about all those points which are favourable to X and why X can never be sad. I then correlate those points to the situation that I am going through. X betrayed me when I needed it the most. I was alone pondering over my future whereas X was making merry with its friends. X would have made fun of my naiveness and how idiot I was to trust it. X can never fall for anyone because it has that resistance in itself. X is more concerned about itself and turns his back to people’s sufferings but still people love X. They adore it and offer every help possible to console X in times of distress. People who support X are the elitist; they are snobbish, they are erudite and someone who would never prefer to be my friend. They can do things which I cannot, they can talk about things which I cannot, they have access to happiness which I don’t and above all because of their snobbishness they will loath my attempts to get into their company. They are X’s friends so all of them are also entitled to never be sad in life. Their life is perfect; each and every one of their happiness will be satisfied. They have resources at their disposal but I have to create both the resources as well as ways to achieve them.
On the other hand I have been subjected to abject deficiency in terms of fulfillment of desires and knowledge about things which matter in life. I cannot talk about the latest movies released but X expected me to come out with a review. I cannot talk about how smart some celebrity C is but X expected me appreciate it’s adulation of C. X expected my family to be affluent but my father happens to be just a central government employee so our mentalities cannot match and thus I cannot be a part of that elitist network of friend X has. X and it’s circle of friends were born and brought up in a city so are aware of complexities of a city life whereas I have always lived my life away from the complex and august city life. I am ignorant of how to conduct myself in the society, how to communicate, how to be gregarious and above all how to be a human, the city way! Before coming to Chennai I had never seen a traffic light! I used to gawk at every multi-storey building I happen to come across. I was in awe when I saw the capsule lift in the Spencers. I was totally mesmerized by the glittering shopping complexes here. I had tough time coming to terms with the city transport, the fast life and above all my city but-still-down-to-earth-friends unlike X’s friends who are arrogant.
Like any naiveté I invested lot of my emotions in my friendship with X. I took it to be my best friend, shared my emotions hoping it to empathize with my woes and treated it above all. But for X I was just another country guy trying to meddle in its private affairs. I was a subject of their jokes for the way I talk, walk, conduct myself and my ignorant mind which was in a state of awe at the grandeur of mannerism I was a witness to. Finally X ditched me and with that crashed all my emotions, all my hopes and all my expectations. I was perplexed, hurt and emotionally drained at this sudden betrayal of trust. For X it was just another thing but for me, my world was lost. A world that I had dreamt of….away from home…away from shackles of orthodoxies…away from the nearly nomadic town life….a world I had seen on TVs and movies…a world were people were happy, satisfied and exposed to opportunities in life…a world were I can put my abilities to test against the very best.
Those dreams were shattered!
Will continue this article in a series of 2 more posts and the final one will be “Inside a killer’s mind” 
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anonymous! 10.06.06 at 9:41 am
[b]I am just waiting for him to get married![/b]
Well…your story reminds me of another story of “me n my xâ€?.
He can be compared to this country guy in every sense. A “country guy” coming from Bihar spending 5 years in Delhi…still Delhi’s life style never touched him.
Then there’s this miss (that’s me) from his own class. Trying to get busy with the college life…though I knew that I won’t succeed!
The first meeting: heard a lot about him in the class but for sometime he was not attending the classes. Then, one fine day…he came, and one of my friends yelled, he’s the guy I was talking off!
My instant reaction was “not the kind of guy I will get involved with!�
But as days passed, I realized that he is not the kind of guy I expected him to be. A regular guy from a small town!
He had a world of his own! There was something in him that made people listen to him even though most of them had doubts about him!
But no one ignored him. His presence made us all laugh and have a good time. Everyone had eyes on him!
With time I, in fact both of us realized that we are just the same. We were not like regular college students trying to enjoy life. We sat at mall road and discussed “the other side of life�. There was something about him that turned me away from my college “lp� (that’s lovers point and that’s what Hansraj college is famous for) to the mall road.
In fact we enjoyed those first few meetings out of our department. We discussed things that are generally not discussed in our age group. We talked seriously for hours in Delhi’s scorching heat!
I started liking that place and whenever we had time we went to the mall road and had tea!
I never thought that I will find such a nice friend in such a guy who was totally different from “my idea of a guy�.
But as time passed, I realized that he has some feelings for me. Though I knew this since long but we never talked of it. He was the first person I used to look for, when I reached my college and probably the only person.
As they say, time flies!
I kept on asking myself, am I actually falling for him??
Because the very idea of falling in love with such a down to earth guy was weird!
I was asking myself, “are you sure� “how can it be�. Like other girls I wanted a tall dark handsome “dude�.
But since he was the best friend I ever had! It was understandable that I was falling for him.
Actually I never had a friend. He was a blessing in disguise!
And den we talked of it.
We realized that we are madly in love! His silence and my emptiness were a perfect match!
Then we graduated. I was more than worried. I was used to spending my entire day with him and suddenly I was all alone!
But he was there to comfort me. He got an internet connection just to be in touch with me!
Life was never this good!
And one fine day, he proposed me!
I was out of my mind.
He asked me and, I only looked at him with tears of approval.
After that whenever I had a talk with him I asked him, “You, still mean it� “you still stand by what you said�. I never thought that things will take this shape. Though we knew that we love each other but we never talked about it after that.
And then he went home. I was waiting for him to get back and tell him that I missed him so much and I am just dying to have a glimpse of his face!
I was trying to track him since 6 in the morning. It’s the day he was supposed to get back!
And finally at around 11 his phone rang!
Oh! I was going mad. He picked up and started talking. But there was something in his voice that was missing.
I asked him, what’s it? He said it’s nothing! I knew there was something wrong.
I kept on asking and he kept on denying. And then he said, when are we supposed to meet? I knew something is wrong and I knew that it’s related to me and him. I asked him again. He said we will talk when we meet.
Now I knew that it’s something serious. I said, is it about you and me. He kept silent. His silence was killing me. I was impatient. I said, is it the same thing I am thinking off?
He said “yes�.
I thought as if I am sinking. I gathered some strength and said, what happened?
He said nothing but all I can tell you is that I won’t be able to commit myself to you.
It was my fault that I even talked of such a thing but my parents will never accept you. And I am helpless in front of them!
He told me that his family is looking for a “suitable� match for him and he will get married in one or two years!
It was 15th October last year when he said this. This 15th again, he will come back from his place and I don’t know what news will, he bring with him!
One year has passed. And I am still trying to tell myself that he will be gone soon. He told himself long back that I won’t be there with him forever.
[b]I am just waiting for him to get married![/b]
rain 10.06.06 at 10:58 pm
Interesting contrast. I am sure it is actually her
and she gets to know the importance of respecting others.
Sharique if the gal is really like the one you have described then you should be thankful to her for refusing you. Come on man she acted such a bitch. Who on earth acts that way. She is from a city that doesn’t mean she in superior to you or anyone else and on the contrary her mentality shows how narrow minded she is. City life hasn’t taught her any thing? she doesn’t know how to respect emotions. Take my word dude, if she is really life the one you have described then she is going to suffer all her life. Those city friends of hers cannot support her all her life and plus they will also ditch her with time. I hope she gets what she deserves
And if she is not the one you have described then i take back my words. I think you are ranting and assuming things. She might be rich but no one in this world gets what they prefer….absolutely no one!!
@anonymous
may i ask you how being a non-city wala influences love? you still fell in love with him! and plus i don’t think a person with education will find it hard to cope up with city life..whats the big deal with a city? we all are humans and its just a matter of time when someone imbibes the qualities of the locality one resides in. Anyway i am deeply moved by your story…btw i was in stephens
anon 10.07.06 at 7:36 am
“rain”
well it wasnt about him being a small-city guy but it was about me being a “hip n hop” lass!
i wasnt the type who could sit in the class and talk with “not so hip ppl”.
lp was my life for a few months (u must be knowing lp n lt)
in fact i wasn’t able to adjust in a science-students-kind-of-atmosphere of my class!
“people who came to the college early in the morning and stayed there for the entire day though noone knew that they are a part of the college”
even he wonders till date howcome i landed up liking him..with all his simplicity and “ignorance”. my life was all about gossip, hip clothes, college choreography team and fests! and he never attended a single fest!
but thats how it goes..opposites attract!!
isnt it??
stephens..hmmm..
rain 10.08.06 at 5:22 am
anon
So you were in science. I know how boring science sections were in my college…they had nothing in life but just study.
Love is blind dear..and u never know when u fall into. Like you said that u fell in love with a guy completely opposite to you..it happens..many of my modern friends had country bfs. But i wonder how long relationships like these last because the initial youthfulness is easily taken over my mature outlook towards life. I am sad that your story has a tragic end…i dunno what to say..same case with me also…my gf’s parents refused because she comes from a rich family. But then i often wonder that its good that these differences came up before marriage or else i would have been ruined!!
these love affairs! they suck
Sharique 10.08.06 at 6:19 am
rain,
Read my part 2 of the topic, many things will be cleared
anon 10.10.06 at 9:12 am
rain..
well i’ll say good that u kind of started digesting d very fact that shes not urs..
as i said…im still waiting for it to end..
as i pointed out..it was his matured outlook of life that attracted me.
“these finer delicacies of life..arent meant for me, i want love that is unconditional”
dis is wot he said to me once..and our love is unconditional…with no conditions of getting married!
lets take life the way it is..!
n your right love affairs actually suck!
true love ends in tragedy all the time..